First believe and then see
In this blog I explore 'trust' on different levels: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
As a parent, you want your child to grow up to be a happy, self-confident individual who is confident in life. But how do you build that trust? How do you cultivate it in yourself as a parent and in your child? What better way to do that than to first believe in yourself and your child and then see what this does to the situation.
Possible reasons for a lack of trust
A lack of confidence can have several causes and is often the result of complex interactions between genetic, environmental and individual factors. Here are some possible reasons why someone might develop a lack of confidence:
- Traumatic experiences: Children who have been through traumatic experiences, such as abuse, parental divorce, or witnessing violence, may lose confidence in themselves.
- Unstable environment: An unstable home environment, where there is a lot of change, inconsistency or chaos, can contribute to a lack of trust. Children need safety and predictability in order to build trust.
- Neglect: The lack of emotional support, attention and care leads to a lack of trust. Children need confirmation that they are important and that their needs are recognized and met.
- Negative interpersonal relationships: If a child repeatedly has negative relationships or interactions with others, such as bullying or being a victim of bullying, this can erode trust.
- Own insecurity or fear: Sometimes a child can be naturally more anxious or insecure, which can affect their ability to trust. This can be the result of both genetic factors and previous experiences.
- Parental behavior: The behavior and attitude of parents towards their children have a major influence. For example, if parents are inconsistent in their discipline, exhibit authoritarian behavior, or repeatedly ignore the child (for example, because a parent is on his or her phone), this erodes the child's trust.
- Cultural and social influences: Cultural and social factors can also play a role in developing trust issues. For example, children who grow up in a culture that encourages distrust of others may have more difficulty with trust.
It is important to note that a lack of trust is not a given. With the right support and loving relationships, you can build trust.
The power of trust
The power of trust affects virtually every aspect of life, from relationships to being confident in what you do. Here are some of the powerful effects of trust:
- Connection and relationships: Trust is the glue that holds family relationships together. Building trust in each other creates a feeling of connection and intimacy. It enables children to be vulnerable, communicate openly and believe that others have their best interests at heart
- Collaboration: In families, trust is essential for mutual cooperation. Family members who trust each other work better together, are open about their needs, and listen to each other. Trust promotes a positive and safe development environment.
- Creativity: Confidence encourages creativity. Parents feel freer to use new ideas in education and children dare to be themselves and take risks when they know they are supported and appreciated. Trust drives a culture of growth and development.
- Mental and emotional well-being: Trust has significant benefits for our mental and emotional well-being. Parents who have confidence in themselves and others generally experience less stress, anxiety and depression. They also have higher levels of self-confidence, love for themselves (where mistakes are allowed) and know better what they want.
- Effective Parenting: Parents who build and maintain trust tend to have more influence over their child. Confidence motivates children and leads to better performance, being more aware of their competences and being satisfied with their successes.
In short, trust is the key to creating harmonious relationships, promoting growth and creativity, and cultivating individual and collective well-being.
Trust, what is that?
But what is that trust? And how do you develop confidence in yourself as a parent and also in your child?
Is trust something physical?
You build confidence by climbing trees as a child, falling out and 'knowing' that everything will be okay, catching yourself and continuing to climb. So yes, trust is indeed a physical state.
An exercise to build your physical confidence is to feel the feeling of confidence in your body. Bring up a situation where you were full of confidence: in yourself, in your child, in the good outcome. Feel how this feels in your body. Where do you feel this? At the back in the middle of your left thigh, in your upper arm muscle of your right arm or just under your skin near your chest. And what do you feel? A tingling, a flicker or a gentle pressure. Feel this completely and command yourself to double this feeling. And again. Focus on this physical feeling for as long as you can.
Is trust something mental?
You build trust by saying to yourself 'I am confident about...' - and then you fill in what is correct for you, such as 'I am confident about making the right choice of words when I start the conversation with my child. in ga'. If you repeat certain thoughts often enough – during meditation and visualization – they will become beliefs. When you find yourself in a stressful parenting situation, this belief will ensure that you enter into the conversation with more confidence.
If you often have (unconscious) thoughts that arise 'spontaneously' in a certain situation that undermine your confidence, then these also become beliefs and these beliefs will lower your confidence in a difficult parenting situation. For example, if you believe that 'teenagers don't clean up after themselves', then seeing plates of leftover food in your child's room will make you feel uncomfortable. This unpleasant feeling makes you less able to think creatively in this situation and the outcome is therefore more likely to be negative. You are more likely to 'demand' that it be cleaned up immediately - because you want to get rid of this unpleasant feeling and therefore situation NOW.
If you are convinced that 'teenagers will clean up their stuff', you will react differently in the same situation. You can remain calm, say nothing at that moment and confidently ask when it is convenient to talk about it. Trust that you know that there was a good reason why it has not happened yet, that your child feels that rules provide safety and that you will talk about this at a later time.
So trust is also a mindset.
To build your mental confidence, you can introduce - into your daily routine - a guided meditation and visualization where you become aware of beliefs that undermine your confidence, review them and decide that they are incorrect. You then make the decision to let go of this belief. Then you express a belief that is more appropriate for you and strengthens your confidence. You repeat this during meditation and visualization and look for evidence during the day that your new belief is correct.
Is trust an emotion?
When you look at the 100 emotions from the Ruler system, you see that trust is not among them. As far as I'm concerned, trust comes closest to feeling safe, calm, balanced, peaceful and carefree. If you are often confident enough and have felt the associated energy in the relationship with your parents or other educators, when you are going to do something difficult, you will automatically be confident that you can do it. So yes, trust also has an emotional component.
You can build emotional trust by doing an energetic exercise, such as placing both hands on your stomach and waiting until you feel some kind of relief: a deep sigh, yawning or a calmer feeling in your body. Then you can place both hands on your chest and also wait for some kind of relief. Finally, place both hands at the back of your neck and wait for a deep sigh, yawning or a calmer feeling in your body. This can take a few minutes and you can do this at any time of the day, for example just before you go to sleep.
Is trust something spiritual?
When you trust the collective whole, the feeling that you are supported and the strong power of love, you give yourself back when something does not go as you had hoped. Trust connects you to a deeper purpose and meaning of your parenting, so yes, trust is also something spiritual. As the course in miracles says: you have 2 angels who support you, whom you can rely on: endless patience and perfect trust (K. Janson, annual training, 2023).
You can build spiritual trust by, for example, going to a place in the woods, in a city or at home where you feel comfortable. Go to that place and feel what it feels like. What does pleasant feel like in your body? What makes this space feel comfortable? Feel the peace that the space radiates and also feel that you are being carried. Carried, for example, by the earth; feel the force of gravity in your body. The earth holds you with it. Or carried by the energy around you; the love that is always present. Also experience what it is that makes you feel good. Is it the grandeur of the forest or the trees? Let it sink in completely.
You can learn to have confidence
So you can learn to trust with all four of your bodies. An emotion you can evoke, a belief you can have, a physical sensation you can strengthen and a kind of 'knowing' you can experience; an intuitive feeling that you can trust the process of your education. You build physical, mental, emotional and spiritual confidence by knowing that you already have it (no matter how small it is) and increasing confidence from there, among other things, by seeing more evidence of it around you.
First believe, and then see what positive changes this will bring about in your life and that of your children.